Sexual Issues and Grief

Question

         I am over 50 years old.  Ever since my husband died 4 years ago I have not been able to have orgasm with my boyfriend.   He said I haven't gotten over his (husband's) death  but I don't think that's it; I think it's that my boyfriend doesn't know whether he wants to be with me or not and that he keeps bringing up the fact that I cannot have  an orgasm.  I also am on an anti- depressant.  Do you think that any of this has anything to do with my problem.

Answer

             Thanks for writing to me about this delicate subject. First of all, from a physical point of view, I would check with your doctor or pharmacist and find out whether muting of sexual responses can be a side effect of the medication you are.  There are some medicines that do, in fact, cause a lack of response.

                Regarding your current relationship, you have more perception that you might believe--maybe your boyfriend is the real problem if he keeps "pushing" you about this. However, he may be correct that you have not gotten over your husband’s death.   From an emotional point of view, it is not uncommon for one's sexual responses to be affected by grief.  Also, there can be an underlying, unconscious feeling of guilt, as if you are betraying your former love.  Four years is not a long time for grieving, especially if you and your husband had some fine years together.

                Assuming you have had a medical doctor check you, what could be the most helpful to you, I feel, is not so much getting some help with the sexual response, but in finding out whether there is still a residue of grief that needs to be dealt with.  You could most effectively deal with this by going to a fine counselor who is also a hypnotherapist, especially one who is able to go to the cause of the lack of sexual response, and is capable of helping you if there is still grief to deal with.  I would let your potential therapist know about your husband's death and the sexual problem you're having, and see if they are capable of helping you with this.  you can even read this letter to them over the phone.  Make sure they have been using hypnosis for some time.