The Pain of Divorce

Question

QUESTION #1:

      Hello Del, I’m trying one last time to learn to understand and overcome a divorce. I’m in the final stages but I’m not doing well at all. I’m fighting memories and I’m still in love with my ex . We were married for 25 yrs. But she destroyed me and the family by being unfaithful and rejected us totally. I want to be able to pass by her in the street and not be emotionally affected by her presence. Please help me.

QUESTION #2:

     I've been dealing with a chronic pain condition for the better part of 7 years.  I will give you a small amount of background and you can let me know if you want more, if you can be of help or can respond to it. This condition began with a divorce 7 years ago, but now I'm happily married. The pain rotates between different areas of my body, based on physiological issues  that come up (like straining my back).  I conquer or control it in one area, just to have it latch on to a new area. I've spent over $10K at doctor and holistic practitioner offices and am burnt out on putting hope in physiological solutions.  I'm convinced it's either one of two things: a deep-seated emotional/subconscious issue I can't properly get at and/or a psychological/cognitive anxiety rut I cant fully shake.  Either way, I want to get into the part of my brain that is responsible. Do you do this kind of thing, or could you refer me to a psychoanalyst who also does hypnotherapy?

Answer

     I definitely work with such things, believing that everything that happens to us places imprints upon our minds that help us or, in some cases, hinder us.  In your case, the imprints of the trauma of divorce remain current, and, therefore, you continue to react, as if time hadn't changed.  Your conscious mind has to be aware of “time” in order to function. This is not true of your unconscious mind, which doesn’t need the concept of time to function.  Therefore, whatever happens to us operates as if the hurt was still going on.   

     I would first use hypnosis to get at those imprints in order to change them to something more realistic to where you are now.  Another way of talking about it is that your body has accepted the 'hypnotic spell" that it should hurt, possibly because of the divorce. We need to break that hypnotic spell by convincing that part of you of 7 years ago that time has passed.  I happen to feel that hypnotic methods deal better with this than plain talk therapy.