Feeling Stuck and Worn Out
Other than my health and that of my children, everything else in my life seems to be going wrong, as if I have made all the wrong choices. My business is not self supporting, I cannot keep a relationship (still recovering from the last breakup) and now my house is being sold and I have to move. It seems that for the past four years, my life has been filled with devastation and loss. I don't know how to get back on the right path. My confidence is shattered, I feel helpless, and I’ve become quite pessimistic. How can I get this pessimist to shut up? Positive thinking is just not working. Any suggestions would really help. Feeling very stuck, I’m hoping you can help me.
I'm sorry you're going through this trial. The reason I put this under the category of "grief & loss" is that I believe this is what you are going through right now. Grief isn't only related to loss of a person, but to other losses suffered in one's life. I’m hoping you will find, immediately, a hypnotherapist or a counselor who uses hypnotic methods, who you are able to talk to help you through this; if that’s not possible, then a pastor or someone else you trust. They don’t have to have all the answers for you, but you need to keep being encouraged. If you are anywhere near me, I’m happy to help you. Otherwise, this is what I can advise:
I very much understand how your “pessimistic self” could become so strong in the light of a series of negative experiences. Some years back, when I was so ill and depressed, my Critic Self had become incredibly strong. Through a combination of hypnotic work and my conscious work, I was able to learn to thank my Critic Self for what she does for me (keeps me from going down wrong paths, making dumb decisions, etc.). However, she needs help from other parts of me, like my self who enjoys life or likes having fun (Probably, they were buried in my little toe).
First of all, I decided what I would be like if that part of me, the Critic, wasn’t there; and what aspects of my Self were too weak. This is how the little routine goes, even now:
(1) I thank the Critic Del for trying to help me, telling it I love it.
(2) I tell the Critic Del that this isn’t the time to help me in the way it usually does.
(3) I ask the Critic Del to please take a back seat and rest, until she is really necessary.
(4) I ask the __(needed part) __ to come out for this particular occasion.
I kept working with this until it has now become quite easy to get one part of my personality that is overworking, such as “the Fearful Del”, to allow teamwork to take place by calling out the weaker parts, like “Brave Del”, “Courageous Del”, “Steadfast Del”, etc. Some people call this a kind of "parts therapy," personality dialogue, or "gestalt" work. It doesn't matter what the name is. The important thing is that you decide that there is no aspect of your Self that you should curse or be angry with (such as the pessimistic self).
For you, some of the personality parts that you may wish to work with would be "pessimism", "weariness," “discouragement” which are stronger in you right now; and "positiveness," "courage," "confidence," which have become weaker, for some reason. Ask each part of yourself what it does for you, or is trying to do for you. Consider what you would be missing if that part ceased to work altogether. Learn to thank these aspects of yourself. Rather than creating a battle within you, understand that these parts of your personality or traits are over or under-working. Learn to call forth the parts that are not functioning as well. It helps a lot to find a hypnotherapist who works with personality methods, such as this, to help get you into this, at a deeper level; and then to support it with your own conscious awareness; pay attention to it and practice.
By the way, it's okay to acknowledge that you might not be doing so well right now. It’s not always helpful to try to be "Pollyanna" about reality. Sometimes, it requires being less anxious about the journey you’re on, and believing that you’ll get through it. During that time of patience, there are ways to continue to help yourself. Remind yourself every day that you are a perfect human being just as you are right now. God (or the Universe) made no mistake with you. She/He didn't forget to dot the "i"! Your past is totally approved and therefore you never have to relive it or try to do it over.
I've found that a wonderful mantra (little prayer) to use over and over as much as you can, during any time of confusion, is "All things are working for good in my life.' Carry it with you; say it in many places and times, until it comes true for you. Another helpful mantra for me was, “I’m willing to change; I’m willing to let go of anything that keeps me from changing.” You'll notice that you don't have to have an answer or goal with either of those mantras. Just believe that you will make it through. Remember that when you attempt to go through the door of opportunity and change for the better, “resistance” walks in with you. Just tell “resistance” that you know who it is, and you will not let it win!